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gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 12:25:54 GMT

feels like i only write in this thing when i'm procrastinating or someone has died. this time it was my mom's brother. she's lost several people this year to cancer. she's flying to england next week, but she's been busy already, having miniature funerals on the phone. i've realized in the past two days how strong she is. i've also realized how fragile a body is. someone dies when their heart stops beating. and when i figured that out, at this time last night, i could swear i felt that happen.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:05:28 GMT

today i transferred all of my old phone numbers into my fancy new phone. including jess heart, who i have only actually called twice. both of those times resulted in burnaby bubble tea. so basically, jess, i miss you.

other people i miss:
everyone who is reading this, probably.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 09:50:56 GMT

can't sleep. obviously. this time, it really comes down to the way i am not being good enough. i'm currently losing, due to the past two decades shaping me this way. talented or untalented at all of the wrong things.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:30:04 GMT

i know i say this a lot, but i'm done school. i need to take another year's worth before i get a degree, but i really (really) don't care. i never even had the chance to get depressed and decide to go back. so those are my plans for the next sixteen months. and as soon as i get a job, i'm moving in with you. and as soon as i lose everything here, i'm off to texas.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 09:51:02 GMT

i realized today (yesterday) that i'm dreading the summer. not sure that that's ever happened. i'll have to prepare myself for the worst then presumably watch it happen. meanwhile, i guess, that just places me in the same position as a lot of people. so i suppose it makes sense that overhearing advice that has nothing to do with me has been helping. keeps me awake at night, but it really is simple. follow my brain, my heart, or my dick.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 06:25:07 GMT

i just figured out why i'm not depressed.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 08:45:12 GMT

played a better show tonight. probably because we were playing other people's songs. this would have been a bad day otherwise. at least, until that point, it was. then, surrounded by dozens of my closest friends and sober, i felt more at ease than i have... maybe ever. this is what i asked for, and as fucking usual, i got it.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:14:55 GMT

played a drunken, real bad show tonight and spent the next couple of hours trying to stay out of everyone's way. falling asleep in some corner. somehow i ended up affecting several different people in my state. then with my eyes closed i listened to people make real dumb decisions. arguing about money. a friend of mine got back together with someone. he told me, "yeah, she couldn't live without me." he seemed real happy about this.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:51:23 GMT

i've already reached another one, but this was a good weekend. twice this week i've said i was going to go somewhere and decided not to at the last minute, but it worked out. along with everyone else, i'll be away for the next few days. on tuesday i saw every song off of in rainbows performed live at the university of british columbia. it was a good way to end the last five years, or the last twelve months.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:48:02 GMT

that blank space between months means i've been more productive than ever recently. i'm also not sure i've felt better. it's too easy to get caught up in memories and forget what you dream about. then again, i get nostalgic for weird shit. working for something, instead of having it handed to me. feeling deadish. i lead a better life than anyone i know. so a problem comes along, and it wrecks me, but so what. what's happened is it's forced me to figure out the secret to happiness. i'd tell you, but it's my secret.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 08:59:07 GMT

my brother's wedding is tomorrow. it's one of the last big changes going on around here. it goes nicely with me being through with school indefinitely and my parents being retired. i should go get a career, get started on having a boring life. instead i'm going to winnipeg and back. actually, i happened to go through one of those "what am i doing with my life" things at an inappropriate time. tonight at dinner i figured out my place in the family: youngest, most restless, heaviest drinker. next week i plan to create.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 09:41:28 GMT

people always tell me i have everything, but that apparently doesn't even appeal to me. i've become too selfish and too busy and too gay for this. i see myself five years from now, and everything's different then. makes me wonder what i'm waiting for. tonight i'm on my way home, and i've just dropped the last person off, and my car's on the verge of running out of gas again, and i don't have it in me to waste any more money. and i realize that i barely have it in me to sacrifice any more of any thing. i take my feet off of the pedals, and sail the pavement until i hit lights.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:26:14 GMT

first thing i did this morning was punch my pillow. then i went back to sleep when i got to class. i've had a couple of weeks here that have been different. i don't know how i managed to get so stressed about work i was choosing not to do. i don't know why it took me so long to figure out that i can get away with being creative full time. for the next few weeks i just have to deal with a couple more abstract issues. it's weird. everything bad's building up, and everyone's against you. but then you ask for help, and you get it.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 10:20:59 GMT

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 10:07:50 GMT

i keep falling asleep in places that aren't my bed. now i'm awake in the post-p.m. doing shit that should have been done days ago. updating this should have been done days ago, too. when i got back from ottawa. that was my exciting thing for the month. i went on another vision quest for work. which basically means i woke up drunk every morning. when i got back i spent a day or two feeling out of place, sober in my hometown. i've been stressed. but i know what i need to do. i need to start following my own... advice.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 04:12:45 GMT

boxing day party. i'm being antisocial. i think i need a drink. just now my mom asked me what i was going to have.

"you're not going to make a ...thingy, are you?"
"a what?"
"a sinister g."

also, this is the first wang chung wednesday i've skipped in three months. usually i take my time getting up, prepare a healthy breakfast, put that record on (side two) and listen to it in my undies while i eat. today i did not, and i regret it. i sleep too much. i have a habit of not accomplishing anything in december, but this time i really needed to. i've been thinking about how things would be different if i'd been born ten years earlier. i'd be a failure by now.

my mind is full.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 01:39:23 GMT

the last time i wrote in my pen and paper journal was just before high school ended. i really wish i'd kept it going since then. i don't care about reading my own terrible prose about all the things that upset me, but i wish i could clearly remember the past couple of years as clearly as i can read those ones. so i'm starting a sort of memory book. i'm writing down every memory i have. last year, last week, childhood, today, every single thing that's in my head. and i guess it'll have to be an ongoing thing. i don't want to lose anything else.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 12:47:19 GMT

tonight as i was driving home i saw a large piece of car in the middle of the road. i almost just drove past it. i noticed another stopped car, there was no one else around. i got out, the other guy was already talking on his phone. he was trying to explain what he was seeing. we didn't know where the other half of the car was. another woman showed up while he was panicking. when a fire truck showed up a few minutes later we were standing around dumbly. the firemen pointed out that on the other side of the intersection there was a brick wall on someone's property that had been broken down. we all ran over. we found the rest of the car there in the bushes, and the driver, who was dead. the guy started crying loudly. the firemen started going through the wreckage. he was kneeling on the sidewalk, sobbing. we asked him if he knew the driver. it was his little brother. more and more cars with sirens showed up. it was loud. me and the other woman waited to be questioned. after we were done being questioned we left. i don't know.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 11:32:19 GMT

we finished recording. it took three days maybe. i did my vocals last. matt said it was kind of painful to watch. i don't doubt it was. me yelling at a microphone until my face goes red while violently crossing my arms or squeezing my hips with my hands. he said it sounded personal. i believe in what we wrote, but i have no currently have no reason to listen to sad songs. good things are starting. school's done, recording's done, being twenty years old is done. a lot of people aren't happy right now. and for the first time in several months, i am.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:17:04 GMT

yeesh. school. why am i in school. i don't know. well, i kind of know. i like school. i'll tell you what i don't like. when i'm sitting in math class (psychology for some reason) and i'm passing notes about how much fun i'm not having and the teacher calls on me. then the teacher guides me through a problem in front of everyone else, repeatedly asking me questions that i don't understand or know the answers to. i also don't like that everything is due next week. next weekend i'll be too busy recording. last night i was out until three but it was worth it. i don't dislike that.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 10:26:36 GMT

giles. this is not progress. i feel like i did for most of high school. possibly because the same things keep happening to me. i can sleep in now, so i sleep through everything. a few nights ago bruce lee woke me up. he landed on me in the middle of the night. i sat right up, moved him off of my bed, looked around my room. wondered why the fuck i still had a bruce lee poster in the first place. there's a large blank space there now, and it's my favourite part of the wall. actually, it's not, that's lame. but i'm okay with it. so anyway, i looked around the room, let my eyes adjust, and did some real grown up thinking. and i went back to sleep.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 06:34:43 GMT

oh wow, am i ever done with this shit.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 07:24:11 GMT

my grandma's in the hospital now, in england, and everything's apparently okay, but the phone rang at four in the morning last monday, and i was already awake finishing a bibliography or some shit, and i thought for sure that was it, that she was dead. i'm not going to pretend it's affecting me that much, but it means i've been nocturnal for a week now. i spent the weekend drunk and sleepless on the pacific ocean. not the poser pacific ocean that we get in vancouver. last time i was there was four years ago with alex. i brought a mix he left in my car and i contemplated him.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 08:14:40 GMT

i am not crazy. i actually feel very on top of shit. more than i will tomorrow. i don't know why. i think it's who i'm talking to. i think it's these songs.

gilesroy@hotmail.com — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 03:53:02 GMT

on friday i had a newspaper party at my house. it wasn't originally supposed to be at my house but it's okay that it was. my roommates (again, parents) were home half the time and sleeping through the guitar hero tournament. sam macdonald got more drunk than anyone and had a sleepover in my bathroom. last night, seeing a show for free with alex turned into getting expensively drunk with alex. i'm good, and probably shouldn't be updating my livejournal. feeling fine feels kind of bad.